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Breaking News/Archive/062007
American Corporation Defeats Terrorists! The Disney Corporation has successfully defeated a terrorist cell working inside Al Jazeera, Jr. GAZA CITY, June 30, 2007--It all started with a mouse. Al Jazeera, Jr., the Hamas-run division of PBS, created a character called "Farfour", which bore a striking resemblance to America's favorite corporate executive. That's when the filthy Jew Michael Eisner got all geshvollen and kvetched to his legal team, Baker, Tataramoa and Nebbes who then wrote the most tsemishnichic cease and desist letter ever written east of the Catskills. And because the goyim at Al Jazeera, Jr. couldn't afford a Jew lawyer themselves, they were forced to comply. "We are all thrilled that the Disney-mouse monopoly is still intact," Eisner told viewers of his children's show, The Mouse Who Owns Everything, "there will never be another rodent on television, gloib mir!" Al Jazeera, Jr. and Disney came to an agreement and Farfour was eliminated from the airwaves with extreme prejudice. Once again, the market has decided what works and what doesn't Hurray capitalism! ### Supreme Court v. Browns, Boards of Education WASHINGTON, D.C., June 28, 2007 -- In keeping with their commitment to Constitutional Originalism, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that American schools shall no longer force the bitter pill of the liberal agenda down their students' throats. Thanks to five of the most forward-looking Jurists this country has seen in the fifty-three years since desegregation became law, America's children will no longer have to pledge allegiance to the offensive flag of unity. Finally, the oppressive yoke of forced "diversity" has been lifted, guaranteeing that no child shall have his or her free and equal access to education abridged by the painful and humiliating presence of the ethnics. While liberal whinenistas and ACLU-types are already decrying the decision across the internets, it-getters and patriots recognize the inherent wisdom of the Court's decision. In siding with the good parents who wished to free their children from the onerous burden of sharing a classroom with others unlike themselves, the good Justices of the Majority had to overcome the prejudices of their colleagues on the bench, who still cling to an outdated belief that "racism" and "inequality" can be corrected through such measures as addressing questions of "race" and "unequal access" to resources. Instead, the Majority opinion ruled to overturn self-inflicted desegregation plans like those put in place by the Seattle, Washington and Louisville, Kentucky school districts. Instead, the Court encouraged all of America's school districts to promote an ethos of color-blindness, whether their schools admitted any coloreds or not. Following the lead provided by legal scholar and moral luminary Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., the Conservative Majority on the bench clearly does not see race. Or at least, they would prefer that local school districts not see race when deciding how to uphold the Constitution's "equal protection" clause. Given the end of racism, such an enlightened view only makes sense. As Justice Roberts' logic makes clear, a continued focus on the race of America's students will only serve to ensure that America's students continue to have races. Obviously, if America's schools ignore the issue of race altogether, they will integrate themselves in one big, happy melting pot. Doesn't it say in the Constitution that "all men are created equal"? Surely those words stand alone as proof that America is committed to diversity in her public schools. No child left behind. ### Public Health Notice: Prescription Drug Recall In less than 60 days after introducing their new prescription drug line, Prescott Pharmaceuticals has voluntarily recalled one of their "Vaxa" products. HOUSTON, TEXAS, June 29, 2007--Hoping to fend off the outrage that always seems to follow one of their voluntary recalls, Houston's pharmacy giant Prescott Pharmaceuticals (PP), is announcing the recall of Vaxa-Smacks, America's Favorite Prostate Stimulating Cereal™. According to a press release from The Prescott Group (the media arm of PP), the company is asking that anyone who has purchased a box of Vaxa-Smacks at any time from any store in any state to return the unused portion directly to PP and a refund will be forthcoming. PP will also send along a coupon for a free bottle of Vaxadrine to assist in removing any trace elements of any digested Vaxa-Smacks still in the customer's system. PP is not discussing exactly why they are removing Vaxa-Smacks from store shelves, but researchers in Chicago believe it may have to do with an unexpected benefit which may cut into PP's bottom line. Doctor's at Harvard University's Dana-Farber Cancer Institute have found a casual link between the consumption of Vaxa-Smacks and lower rates of HIV cases. "At first we didn't want to make the announcement, because it was just so unbelieveable," Dr. A. Engelman told Wikiality.com, "but once we found out it was a Prescott Pharmaceuticals product, we hoped that by announcing it we might be able to force Prescott to not recall one of their products, especially if the unintended side effect might actually help people, which as everyone in the medical profession knows doesn't happen with Prescott...ever." No one from Prescott Pharmaceuticals or their parent company, The Prescott Group returned any calls asking for comments as of this posting. ### Paris Hilton to receive Presidential Medal of Freedom for defeating Michael Moore! by The Lake Effect - June 28, 2007 Commie-dy Central, I mean, The Daily Show Freshly released from prison, Hotel Entrepeneuress and Professional Burger Saleswoman Paris Hilton has committed herself to a task every true American dreams of being able to perform - to take down hot dog afficinado Michael Moore. The first battle of Hilton's campaign in the War on Moore was fought and won on Larry King Live, as the suspendered sex machine of a Jew had the courage to interview Ms. Hilton for a full hour, instead of having to talk to the rotund communist that he had earlier booked. President Bush is said to have been delighted at the news of Paris' (the blond one, not the French one) victory. Said The Decider, "This is a wonderful day for pretty little girls that look to her as a role model. I know my daughters have learned much from enemulating her uniquely American values." Of the Medal of Freedom, he replied, "I just had a bunch of these shiny things left over - it looked so good on Brownie I thought I could give her one too." He then went back to defeating Iraqi insurgents, on his Nintendo DS. It has been suggested by Secretary of Defense Robert Gates that Hilton could be made a General in the War on Moore as early as the upcoming fall television season. *Michael Moore, upset about not being able to speak with an American Jew, speaks with a communist Jew instead. ### Labcoat Larrys Synthesize Life Scientists announced today all the science is in and liberals are slapping God in The Face with it. In a move that is sure to bring tears to the eyes of The Baby Jesus and also make The Baby Satan wet (but in another place), Labcoat Larrys have toyed with the human genome and have come thisclose to making synthetic life. J. Craig Venter and his team of $cientologists were able to switch one single gene of a certain mass of slime and turn it into a different kind of slimy mass. It is believed this was performed in a San Francisco bathhouse, but these reports have not been confirmed, only in that Mr. Venter hasn't returned Wikiality.com's phone calls, therefore we will continue to repeat this until he can use his witchcraft to turn Dr. Colbert's regular cellphone into an iPhone. Who Will Think Of The Future? Recent revalations in the news about the advances by science have many people up in arms: * gaydar technologies * happyness technologies * enhanced interrogation techniques But, this latest news will have far-reaching consequences for mankind in ways few will be able to understand, much less exploit. For instance: * if a test is created which will allow parents to switch off a child's gayness, Venter and his squad will be able to reverse what God has given to man and turn the child back into a member of the gay species! * the now-gay child will then be able to alter his parent's sadness making them gay as well * thus creating an entire generation of super gays, who will be immune to the effects of enhanced interrogation techniques, which as everyone knows the gays just love. Real Americans are working frantically to preserve the integrity of America's genome hymens. Help Wikiality.com fight this menace by visiting this page to help keep track of the liberal's mutant army. ### Rahm Emanuel Going To Gitmo, May Return Rahm Emanuel has challenged the sovereignty of The Greatest Vice President Ever! How long will America have to listen to his lies? WIKIALITY.COM EDITORIAL, June 25, 2007--Since 9-11 America has been protected with a ruthless efficiency that can only be described as Bauer-worthy. Yet, Democrats and their ideological brethren (the French and Terrorists) cannot appreciate freedom when their fellow citizens hand it to them on foreign-made titanium prosthetic legs. Where does Rahm get off? First he tells the minions of Satan's Handmaiden to avoid "The Greatest Television Show Ever", , an insult to the very foundation of America's democratic principles of separation of TV and state. Now he has threatened to cut off Dick Cheney's feeding tube. Rahm, we have a quote for you, straight from The Man himself: We here at Wikiality.com have deputized all Internets-American in the FOX Security Force, giving them the power to make a citizen's arrest sending you to Gitmo forthwith. When you mess with Dick, you're messing with Wikiality.com. And we're not gonna take it standing up. We're going to blog like we've never blogged before. You're going to regret messing with the fiercest army of deferment-eligible chickenhawks the world has ever seen. ### Democrats Will Debate in San Francisco! Less than a month after cutting and running from a debate on FOX, the Democrat party has accepted an open invitation to debate in San Francisco SAN FRANCISCO, NOT-AMERICA, June 25, 2006--Rainbow-colored streamers? Check. Homo bath houses? Check. America-hating attitude? Check. The city is already ready for them, now it's up to the Democrat party to just show up. "Well, it doesn't surprise me," American fighter for America's values, and resident of the gayest place on Earth, Michael Savage informed Wikiality.com, "this whole damn place is a liberal convention waiting to happen." It all started in March of 2007, when the going got too tough for the liberal wing of the liberal party: "I've never been talked to like that," a choked-up John Edwards slobbered to Amy Goodman on her radio program, "Communism Now!", "I really don't. I mean, what did I do to them to deserve this? Nothing. Nothing!...(sobbing)" What Edwards was sniveling about was what normally happens during campaigns: candidates are invited to debate on TV, and they either accept or decline. But, not the Democrats; Edwards was expecting an engraved invitation from FOX for their televised debate and when it didn't come, he demanded an apology from Rupert Murdoch himself. FOX had offered the liberals the standard debate contract, which included: * separate dressing rooms for each candidate * equal on-screen time * 20 individual close-ups * a large enough podium to accomodate the "clothing option" that liberals have become famous for But, insiders were shocked that Edwards wasn't satisfied, saying he wanted to bring his personal hair stylist and insisted his podium be ermine-lined. FOX stood its ground stating it wanted to be fair (and balanced) for every candidate: if Edwards insisted on his special podium, all the other candidates would want one too. When asked about the accomodating Edwards regarding the hair stylist, an unnamed FOX employee said, "Everyone already knows about the hair guy, if you know what I mean!" Every Highway Leads Back to San Francisco After the dust and flying hair settled, Nancy Pelosi had to do something quick. She just lost the largest prime-time audience she will ever see and now all her presidential candidates were hormonal. She had only one way out of this mess: call the Rainbow Warriors, her Army of Gay Party Planners who have been known to transform a testosterone-laden event like the NASCAR-cum Super Bowl Promise Keepers get-togethers into an event so gay it could make Ted Haggard forget about his love for the American Holy Bible and beg for Arabic Translations all night long. With a sprinkle of fairy dust and a dash of leather, the event was good to go. "My girls never let me down," Pelosi said proudly, "best of all, ermine-lining is standard with every San Francisco podium." ### American Celebrity Kidnapped in Malaysia American television father figure, Homer J. Simpson was kidnapped by terrorists. KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA, June 21, 2007--Longtime small screen celebrity, rapper and the star of a soon to be released movie, Homer J. Simpson, was kidnapped today while promoting the film in the Asian Mooslim country of Malaysia. Very little is known at this hour regarding Mr. Simpson's whereabouts. The kidnapping was captured by a closed circuit camera in the parking garage of the hotel where the Simpson family was staying. The grainy images show two masked men dragging the gigantic yellow Simpson into a gray or silver sedan which drove out of the south exit of the garage. Malaysian authorities have no leads, and none of the local terrorist groups have claimed responsibility for the deed. Donut shops have been put on alert for large orders and the American consulat has contacted American tourists to be on alert for seedy characters. Wikiality.com will be following this story and report any updates as they become available. ### ***UPDATE*** Fox Television, Mr. Simpson's employer has offered some cash for any information about the crime. Please contact Rupert Murdoch through his MySpace page. ### "VOUS ET MOI!" Clinton Chooses Un-American Song As Her Campaign Theme Song by The Lake Effect - June 20, 2007 SOMEWHERE between The Las Vegas Strip and Hell, er, the Clinton household. Senator Hillary Clinton did NOT shock everyone with her choice of Celine Dion's "You and I" as her anthem. Not content to just use a song by an American communist collective like "Still the One" by Orleans, a Canadian song, nay, a song by a FRENCH-Canadian was chosen to lead her flag-burning hordes to the polling stations. "You and I" is also the promotional song used by Air Canada - the airline that has affixed its name to the Air Canada Centre, home of the Toronto Raptors - a clear slap in the face to American superpundit Dr. Stephen T. Colbert. Colbert is now considering adding an extra provisional slot to his famed ON NOTICE board on his television program, "The Colbert Report", just to fit Clinton in. Taking time out of taking jobs from hard working Mexican singers in Las Vegas, Celine Dion released an official statement. "I am very pleased for Comrade Hillary and her endeavours to add l'argent to my bank account. It is not like the money is needed to fight the war on terror or anything." Clinton could not be reached for comment as she was busy draining kitten blood to feed the baby orcs living in her basement. It's enough to make Mao Zedong throw a party for all his zombie friends. ### The Greatest President Ever Vetoes Baby-Killer Bill! The Greatest President Ever's veto pen may be running dangerously low on ink. If Nancy Pelosi doesn't end her reign of terror, will he have to dip into America's Strategic Ink Supply? WASHINGTON, D.C., Gay Pride Month 20, 2007--First liberals went after the troops, demanding that they cut and run from democracy-bringing. When that failed, several America-damaging bills appeared in rapid succession: * the Give Gays' Special Rights bill * the Fill The Airwaves With Smut bill * the Look At Me, I'm Michael Moore bill But, as he had done in the past, The Greatest President Ever dispatched the blasphemous verses with all deliberate speed. Thus protecting America from seeing Michael Moore coming out of the closet on live TV. With the election fast approaching, the liberal agenda is in full swish: another Baby-Killing Measure has somehow found its way to The Greatest President Ever's desk. "It just makes me sad," John Boehner told Wikiality.com via a secured CSPAN channel, "we have tried to save every one of Our Heavenly Father's little children...but..." Mr. Boehner was unable to continue without an unnamed spokesman butching up for him: "It has been the mission of the Republican Party to provide the values which America adopts as her own. The most important of these is the sanctity of life. As our young men and women are protecting our freedoms in The Land of America's Oil, it is our duty to uphold those values here at home. I propose the death penalty for Nancy Pelosi if she continues down this hateful and irrational path. Thank you, no questions." And with the stroke of his near inkless pen, The Greatest President Ever further secured his legacy as The "Life is Sacred" President. ### Missing Emails Found! Nancy Pelosi was determined to make everyone in The Greatest Administration Ever miserable. She claimed people who serve at the pleasure were fired for political reasons, then claimed there were "missing emails" that proved it! WASHINGTON, D.C., June 19, 2007--The lawyers were long gone. After having served at the pleasure of the president, they decided to spend more time with their families. They chose to quit, they were with their families. Yet, the liberals said they smelled a rat. Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid ran through the nation's capital questioning everyone in sight. They were certain the lawyers had been fired and there just had to be a paper trail somewhere. Thousands of slackers were hired to shimmy through the internets tubes searching for the emails (5 million Pelosi claimed) that would proved something nefarious was afoot. Yet, no one could find the emails. Wikiality.com also smelled a rat, a demon-rat! Investigative reporters for Wikiality.com's news division also asked lots of people questions and looked in places we had no business looking--just like Nancy does on a daily basis! But, we actually found something! After fruitlessly searching, Nancy Pelosi claimed that The Greatest Architect Ever hid or threw away (which is it, Nancy? We're at war!) 5 million emails to hide (or throw away?) the reason a handful of administrative staff wanted to spend more time with their families. Ha! Again, Wikiality.com says, "ha." 5 million emails! Our collective internets eye! How could she possibly know that many emails were missing? If they we're there, how could she know they weren't there!? Huh? Huh? Well, Nancy, Wikiality.com is on to your shenanigans! Those allegedly missing emails didn't go missing, they were gifts given to the many staff members of The Greatest Administration Ever as parting gifts for their service to our Country and The Greatest President Ever! The very people who Nancy Pelosi claimed were fired for political reasons (but weren't) had been the ones to graciously accept the "missing" emails Pelsoi also claimed proved they were fired improperly. Each employee was given a CD of anywhere between 40,000 and 100,000 emails ranging from "Christian Investment Opportunities" to "Employee Notices" regarding break time activities. See? none of these things are a threat to National Security. So, once again, you're wrong Nancy. It's high time you give The Greatest President Ever and America a break and resign your position. Now that Wikiality.com has solved the case of the not missing 5 million emails, and the real reason the attorneys were fired, we ask that Nancy Pelosi get fired and take all her emails with her! ### Edwards Scissorcrotch BEVERLY HILLS, CA June 19, 2007-- Are you ready for beach season? John Edwards is. In preperation for a windsurfing outing fishing trip with lifepartner John Kerry, Edwards reportedly spent 400$ on a bikini wax and his campaign picked up the tab, according to a recent report by the Federal Election Commission. "Yes, John Edwards is a regular client of mine. I'd know that well-coifed bikini line anywhere," says Raul Ramon, proprietor of Pink Sapphire, a trendy boutique in Beverly Hills, CA that caters mostly to women. "But don't think he's not still a man of the people. All his hair clippings go to Merkins of Love." Merkins of Love is a non-profit charity that provides pubic wigs to cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy. After the revelations, Ann Coulter took a break from her busy schedule of verbally assaulting 9/11 widows and forcefully converting Muslims to Christianity to indirectly call Edwards a faggot. Unable to be reached for comment, Edwards instead retaliated through his website, asking supporters to help "raise $100,000 in 'Coulter Cash'" so he could get that anal bleaching he's had his eyes on. ### Another Successful Day In Iraq No hurricanes, no earthquakes, no liberals. Is this paradise? Almost; it's the new and free Iraq! BAGHDAD, IRAQ, June 18, 2007--Just as summer begins, the people of Iraq can enjoy another beautiful day in a free Iraq! "It's another beautiful, sunny day in Iraq!" said an unnamed resident of an unnamed area of Baghdad, "Most of the buildings are still standing and when the wind blows you can barely smell the corpses. I hope one day my kids and grandkids will see what a beautiful country this truly is!" Wikiality.com conducted a survey of 1,000 residents of a Baghdad area for their opinions on several subjects: How good a job do you feel George W. Bush is doing for your country? * Great 5% * The Greatest 95% How many earthquakes have there been since George W. Bush freed your country * None 97% * I don't know 3% Who do you blame for that one hurricane? * The Great Satan, Al Gore 50% * Satan's Handmaiden, Nancy Pelosi 50% Of the people being polled, 98% had all their limbs, 96% had perfect eyesight and 100% had jobs and running water and electricity every day. ### The Gays Up In Arms After Television Program Gay gangs have started a perfectly manicured turf war after one of them appeared on The Colbert Report. GAYSREAL, Gay Pride Month 15, 2007--Gossip in the gay world has a way of moving through the community like cold sores: quickly leaving visible scars. This gossip would be no different, but it would have far-reaching consequences. Within hours after the word hit the streets, there was a feeling in the air that something dangerous was about to happen. Starting at an all-night gym, the word was alight in the air like delicate highlights: one of their own had been on TV, but without make-up. Outraged, the girls prepared for battle. Coifed and Ready for Battle Witnesses say it looked like any night on the boulevard. "The Gays dressed up and were marching like they always do," an unnamed woman who disappeard with her baby followed by another woman who was also obviously offended by the entire affair. Police reports of the incident describe two group of gays faced off in a gay-down. The first group showed up on time and were dressed like business professionals, their gang name is the "Ellens" and numbered approximately 20. But, it was the second gang that the police want to question further. Upon arriving at the scene, officers were faced with the remnants of a melee that can only be described as a make-over gone awry. "Blood-red fake fingernails broken and scattered among the wigs and feathered boas that littered the street," from the police report, "one gang's slogan (LET US WEAR MAKEUP) was written on the walls." Behind the Hair-Pulling "We don't want to upset anyone, we just want to live our lives," a member of the "Ellens" gang told Wikiality.com, "if America wants us to only come out at night, this is what we will do. America is at war, and we have chosen the side of compliance." Many Americans would not disagree with the stance of the "Ellens"; it is reasonable and doesn't make anyone squeamish. On the other hand, the second group, "The Bois" have been described by their critics as "troublemakers". "Whenever we try to have a meeting," a spokesEllen told Wikiality.com, "one of them will try to come in wearing what they do, bitching about not having the right to be gay in public, and when that disgraceful Arabic translator appeared on TV they were more upset that his hair was disheveled and his face was shiny than with the fact that he broke the law when he hide his homosexuality in order to filth-up America's Navy, which was never gay until he signed up." Since none of the members of "The Bois" were available for comment, presumably because the police were able to apprehend them all and had them in custody away from the American public, it is safe to assume the Ellens were correct and that gays should not be gay in public, or in America's military. ### The Open Borders Have Let 509,000 Terrorists Into America! Wikiality.com has uncovered evidence that liberal border security has embolden the terrorists allowing them to increase the number of sleeper cells in the United States to over half a million !!! LAREDO, TEXAS, June 13, 2007--Alberto Gonzales, The Greatest Attorney General Ever has been working around the clock to stop criminals! Between meetings and remembering what happened during those meetings, (and not to mention testifying to Nancy Pelosi about the meetings and the remembering of the meetings) it is a wonder he has been able to catch anyone on the FBI's Most Wanted List! And now, when America is at her most vulnerable, someone has leaked a classified document that lets the terrorists know we know how many of them there are. Which, as everyone knows, is the first step toward vanquishing an enemy. But, The Greatest Administration Ever doesn't let a minor setback like one leaked document deter their glorious mission of protecting Americans from being un-accomplished. This document shows how many terrorists Nancy Pelosi has personally allowed into America since she stole Dennis Hastert's job. "...for every illegal alien apprehended three successfully enter the United States. That means perhaps as many as three million illegal aliens succeed in entering the country," America's foremost Border Patrol Agent, Lou Dobbs proclaimed on television, "but also an increasing number from countries known to sponsor terrorism are making it into this country."http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html If Lou Dobbs is correct (and when is he not !?) this document proves that at least 70 million illegal aliens have entered the United States! America, we are at war, there is only one thing we can do, and it's high time we start. God Bless America! ### Joint Chiefs Nominee: "America's Military is more efficient"! WASHINGTON, D.C., Gay Month, 12, 2007-- Testifying before the godless sodomites of congress, Admiral Mike Mullen gave his assessment of America's military. As head of America's Navy, Admiral Mullen sees no problems facing Navy's archrivals, the Army, in terms of meeting recruitment goals, and he scoffed at claims that the Army was spread too thin. "Ahh, that's bullshit!" Admiral Mullen said in his no-holds-barred seaman's slang, "the pissants Army has enough queers, and if they don't, we are working on a way to give 'em all the queers they could ever want!" Haters of The Greatest President Ever's successful policies in Iraq were giddy when word got out that General Peter Pace announced his plans to spend more time with his family. Their elation quickly ended when Admiral Mullen was nominated to replace him. Admiral Mullen's no-nonsense style has impressed everyone from Bill O'Reilly to Rush Limbaugh. ### Ted Stevens Put On Notice by FBI Washington, June 11, 2007 Alaskan Senator and Internets Tubes custodian Ted Stevens has been put On Notice© - not by Dr. Colbert, but by the FBI. Now that the FBI is functioning under a Congress that is controlled by Democrats, they apparently feel it is necessary to curry favor (and larger budgets) by targeting one of the very pillars of American society for the possible "crime" of using money earned from an energy company to remodel his modest home. While the liberal media continues to perpetuate lies about this son of rural Indiana apple pie farmers, Wikiality.com promises to bring you more fair and balanced coverage of Senator Stevens ongoing investigation. Sign up for our StevensWatch™ service for up-to-the-seconds Stevens news delivered right to your internets box. ### Bears In The Military!! Shocking allegations from New Scientist magazine and the BBC. Within five years bears - or more precisely BEARs - will be serving in the United States military! But relax heroes: these aren't the Godless Killing Machines which wonder the wilderness savaging children and inciting flamingos to become gay. These are robotic versions, designed to ferry wounded soldiers to safety. Officially their bear-like features are supposed to comfort the wounded warrior. Because when you've just had a leg blown off and been shredded by shrapnel the first thing you want to see is a cross between Yogi Bear and the Terminator. In truth it's clear their appearance is really to either a) scare away rabid terrorists; or b) trick the terrorists into believing the bear is one of them. Let's just hope they don't fall into the hands of an America-hating lunatic! Read more here. ### This Prince Isn't Afraid To Go To The Middle East WIKIALITY.COM EDITORIAL, June 7, 2007-- The time has come for everyone who supports our President to back those words up with some action! Prince Harry, the third or fourth in line to the British crown (the "spare" not the heir) has dressed up as a Nazi, groped a harem-ful of drunken ladies and done all of the gay things everyone expects from a member of the British Royal Family. And it was these actions which earned him the respect of his fellow monarchs around America's Planet. But there is one thing Harry Windsor won't be doing anytime soon: visiting the front lines of the War on Terror. Prince Bandar bin Sultan, ambassador to America for 20 years and friend of The Greatest American Family Ever, however, actually lives in the Middle East! And unlike Michael Jackson, Bandar has lived in Saudi Arabia for so long his skin is actually darker than when he lived in America. Prince Bandar is a shining example of how far the world has come since The Greatest President Ever guided America and America's Planet through our darkest hours. Before The Greatest President Ever America was mired in scandal after scandal after scandal. But with Prince Bandar as an example, we can see the sharp contrast of honor and integrity glowing from the example of The Greatest Administration Ever and his Coalition of the Willing: In addition, there have been reports that soldiers are begging to go back and fight for freedom and liberty. Who can argue with that? Not only does the rest of the world want in on this success, but the men on the ground are going crazy waiting for their return. This is what war spreading democracy is all about! God Bless America! ### God's Wrath Felt In The Land of America's Oil UNDISCLOSED PLAZA, DUBAI, TEXAS, June 6, 2007-- A few months ago, Satan's Handmaiden traveled to Syria against the command of The Greatest President Ever. She ate a few puppies, performed a few abortions then headed back to America. Aboard her flight out of Syria, Pelosi reassured herself with a quick glance out the back window that the seemingly peaceful land shrinking below her was exactly what it seemed. She convinced herself what she did was for "peace" and that she wasn't doing anything wrong by defying The Greatest President Ever. And as far as she knew, "nothing" happened. But she was wrong; just like her ideological forefathers, Nancy Pelosi underestimated the consequences of denying Jesus' love. And now many innocent people will suffer as a deadly Smote Storm barrels down on the serene Middle East. Oh, man Every American remembers from homeschool that God does not care for impudent know-it-alls and will smote them with His Righteous Fury! Throughout history civilizations have suffered the wrath of our gay-hating God. Sodom, Gomorrah, Nagasaki and San Francisco have all felt the devastation of poking the wrong hole. And now, the very place where God composed His masterpiece, The Holy Bible, will have to be destroyed because of Nancy Pelosi. As of this writing, 20:38, 6 June 2007 (UTC), God is sending a relatively minor Smote Storm to Oman. The Lord, Our Father, sent a messenger among us to spread His Holy Word: The Final Days Are Nancy Pelosi's Fault Wikiality.com does not have any living or walking correspondents in the region, but who are we to question The Holy Father? Nancy Pelosi, if you're reading this, it is time you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, before the whole planet is covered in Smote Storms and nothing you or Al Gore (or Sheryl Crow) can do is going to change that. ### Amnesty International ███████ Campaign Against Internets Censorship The Internets, June 6, 2007-- In true reactionary liberal faction, █████ ███ organization Amnesty International has launched a campaign to draw attention to the ███▊███ use of internets censorship by ██████████ governments who wish to ████ ▉▉ the voices of those who █████ with them. According to their ▊███ ██ ██ irrepressible.info, ███████▊, with the help of computers-technology-providing ▊ companies, are increasingly ███████ing the work of bloggers, webtubes, chatrooms, and more. Internets-Americans across the globe feel ███ ███ as their ▊███ ██ comes under ████. Regardless of our deep suspicions about the true ██████████ behind Amnesty International's new campaign, we at Wikiality.com also support the right to a free internets. We believe that the web should be a place where all fair and balanced ideas have as have an equal chance to be █████. As long as those ideas agree with us. ### The Gays Not Honoring Colbert Now New York, Gay Pride Month 5, 2007-- In their 19th Annual "Lambda Literary Awards" the Lambda Literary Foundation somehow managed to overlook Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. and the many contributions he has made to the field of LGBT literature. Highlights of the evening: 25 Awards were given at "a gala celebration attended by 300 people". An "In Memoriam tribute," a 6''' minute video eulogy for '''11 LGBT literary legends who passed away during the last 18 months. Gay L.A. by Lillian Faderman & Stuart Timmons gets 2''' awards (in the "Arts & Culture" and "Non-Fiction" categories); Tim Miller's ''1001''' Beds'' wins the Theater/Drama category. In other words, the gays missed 1, 355 seperate opportunities to honor Our Glorious Stephen. For shame, gays! ### Scientists Discover Curative Properties of Marriage FORT MARRIAGE, AMERICA, Gay Pride Month 4, 2007-- In a stunning turn-around, scientists from around the world have discovered proof of something that every true believer already knows: The Bible is infallible! Two unmarried female scientists(!) wasted precious procreation time as their biological clocks ticked off their fertility, only to discover that marriage is an essential part of God's plan. "We were duped," the unnamed head of the science department at Wellesbian University told Wikiality.com between sobs, "I will never believe Hillary Clinton again." Gays and $cientologists As the two girl scientists embraced for the last time, their study was disseminated to the press. As well as reiterating what God's Word has been all along, the girls' study deepened the rift between scientists and a religious-like entity, making an interesting entertainment spectacle for those of us who were never confused. A diminutive spokesman person for a famous cult chimed in: Scientists Try to "Explain" Apparently, the "Labcoat Lowenas" claim the findings have some kind of value. LOL. Come on girls, read your Bibles. Marriage does not help depressed people, like you claim; marriage is our destiny. God's holy plan requires human beings to get married. Once we accept Jesus Christ as Our Personal Lord and Savior, we are absolved of the sin of depression, which is a consequence of being single. Silly girls! A few weeks of fulfilling God's plan - and your husbands' every desire - will hopefully cure you of such obvious misunderstandings. Hallelujah! ###